All for the better.

I am sitting in my living room floor staring at the wall thinking about how I should be working, doing laundry, vacuuming up the head full of hair in the carpet (damn you, postpartum hair loss), cleaning out my car, picking up my wrecked house while the babe is napping...but all I can think about is that I am almost a month away from celebrating my first borns first birthday. Wait...how did that happen? Where did the last eleven months go? In the blink of an eye, I will have a toddler. Typing that made my heart skip a beat.

Sigh.

Not only will I be celebrating Griff's first year of life but I will be able to celebrate the new life I have had the chance of living myself in the past year. I am celebrating my first year of motherhood. The very teensy beginning of a journey to nurture Griffin (and any other 3+ tiny little humans the Lord might bless us with someday) Also- my husband probably rolled his eyes and shook his head at the 3+ comment if he read this. If I had it my way, I would have many many babes. But that isn't just up to me!

In a year of being momma bear to Griff...I have learned...a lot. About everything. Before Griff, I read article after article, blog posts, do's & dont's of babyhood, advice, warnings...practically everything an expectant mother can read or hear. As most expectant momma's do of course. We want to prepare our minds and hearts for what is to come. Before, you are most definitely expectant of many things. Am I right? Obviously...the baby. But were you expectant of the routine you were about to enter into? The  diaper changes 939 times a day in the first months, change your clothes 5 times from spit up, using dry shampoo 4 days in a row and nursing every minute of everyday. Don't forget about how many times you would have poop on your hands or arm and forget to wash it off. And pee in your eye. (Girl moms count your blessings!) That is just having to do with the baby. What about the mountain of laundry that piled up and your husband has to wear dirty work clothes because you forgot to wash it all over the weekend? Or maybe you remembered to wash the laundry but it sat in the washer from Friday-Monday and never made it to the dryer. :-) Did I mention the bottles and breast pump parts filling the sink to the brim? We look good if we make it out of the house without snot stained sleeves and yoga pants on.

Lord have mercy on us people. We are all a hot mess.

I know for me I anticipated those things. I knew things were going to be different. Being a free spirit helped a little and I think I am able to thrive in the crazy moments. But really, until your in the heat of it. You don't know the reality. There is no preparing people. I think we are all naive until it actually happens. In my opinion, motherhood looks nothing like those articles and blogs you read. It looks nothing like what you see on Pinterest or that Instagram account of the perfect mom of 5 you might follow.

My how my little blue-eyed boy changed me. I remember the first few weeks of Griffin's life I worried myself sick wondering if I was doing it all "right" and by the book.
Was I feeding him enough and the correct way?
Should we give him a bottle or will he get nipple confusion?
I should lay him down while he naps.
No, we're not going to give him a paci yet.
Hell ya, I am going to nurse him to sleep.
Cry it out...no way!
Pureed foods or baby-led weaning?

I think mostly, I did everything completely different than one might read in a book. I did what it took to survive.
I nursed him on demand, he is healthy and growing.
We gave him a bottle within the first week of his life.
I cuddled him for every nap until he was 4 months old.
Paci in the third week.
I still nurse him to bed every night. And during the night. Yes, that's right...he still doesn't sleep through the night...so what. I don't mind!
He can cry it out for a few minutes. I know what cry means "Mom, I need you."
We tried both at 6 months. He still hardly eats anything. He likes his milk!

What I didn't read was how I could just do what worked for Griffin. Or me. Without guilt or disappointment in your heart from the books or how other mommas were doing it. I wish I would have read that I was going to make a million mistakes and worry enough for everyone in the world...but I was going to choose what was best for my family and that was enough.

So that is what I am going to tell you, expectant mommas.

Your heart is going double in size. You will feel the most happy and content you might have ever felt in your life. I found myself in a tiny human being...you might too. The love you enter into is going to be a messy love. A nursing every two hours, spit-up on, dark bags under the eyes, beautiful kind of love. You will cry in the middle of the night because you're so tired. But the moment you make eye contact with your littlest love, the exhaustion and frustration melts away. There will be adoration in both of your eyes. There is only going to be a few years of this...hold on tight to the memory of those moments. Be humble enough to ask for help. You can't do it all on your own...that angel will thank you for it. They deserve our best. There is one million different choice to make for your little one. Trust your heart, prayerfully consider what is best for your family. There will be books and people who disagree and do the opposite. Ignore it and be supportive of every mother. You are all in this for the same thing. We all want our kids to be safe, loved and accepted. Let it start with accepting the mom who choices are opposite of yours. There is love and unity in acceptance. All those brand name baby things...who cares. Just pick one. Lord knows, the babies don't care. If they have arms to lay in and a million kisses on their cheeks, you're good to go. You are going to lose small pieces of yourself. But for good. You wont care what you look like, you might even forget that you gained those 20+ pound because you will be so enamored in love with your child. That is okay! And it is okay that you may not have lost all your baby weight either. You are still sexy as hell if you are confident in your new role as a mother. It is a new kind of sexy...with a baby on your hip. You are going to sacrifice yourself in ways you never imagined and you aren't going to blink an eye. You are going to understand Christ's love for you in a whole new way. You are going to love with wreckless abandon. You are going to be loved by this tiny human in a big undeserving way somedays. With one look of those big innocent eyes, you will be changed.

All for the better.

There is still going to be mountains of laundry and you won't have showered in 3 days. And you won't give a damn.

September 2014 : 8 months